Resignation

We’ve all had it. The amazing ability to rolls your eyes and differ any penetrating force of responsibility. The “I don’t care” freedom of exhausting the same circular track but convincing yourself it’s what you want, and that you just need to care less to be happier.

Resignation is my response to feelings of inadequacy, which is so easily felt in college, especially when you commit yourself to many areas. Resignation leaves me feeling inadequate, depressed, and disempowered, however when I’m right in the middle of it all I’m convinced that this is what I want.

During the spring semester, on my rollercoaster of commitments, resignation found me. I found myself resisting school and all of its expectations. So much so that I hadn’t gone to two of my morning classes for the entire month of April.

I would go out in the world and  say I didn’t care with a smile on my face. I truly believed life was my canvas when I was among people. However once I would return home, the resignation caught up to me, and I sighed an explosion of trash, clutter, and laundry all over the place. Every time I saw it, I felt guilty, so I spent my time staring at the TV. I ate 1-2 meals a day because it was hard to move due to lacking sufficient nutrients from the day before. Once I ran out of clean clothes, I continued to re-wear my dirty clothes for over a month. I would take cold pills or drink alcohol to fall asleep because I hadn’t moved all day and my body wasn’t tired.

But I didn’t care. Not only that, I thought I was fine. It was temporary, it was finals week.

Yet the only thing that got my heart rate going was the threat of roaches after killing two in my bathroom and learning that they love cardboard–and I had 26 empty toilet paper rolls all over my bathroom floor.

Thank God someone interrupted me.

Resignation is something that runs deep in my blood. Being born into a world of which I, as a socially unaware child, was quickly and continually wrong, I found a way to cope. Often, as with all of us, this survival strategy becomes alive and real for me without awareness.

It starts with: “I don’t have to do things a certain way to be successful” which so quickly transfers to blame: “I will prove to ya’ll that your standards are ludicrous” and instantly: “I don’t have to do shit for you”.

And then it becomes a black and white picture. Either I conform (Hell no) and study to take my tests, because that’s just what we students have to do, or I don’t. And if I don’t study I won’t do well. Both options I was against, and that left me stuck and resigned.

However, a friend stood for me. Talked with me and helped me see everything I’ve written above. Not simply that, I’ve created the possibility of doing school for myself. As someone who stands for people without a voice. As an explorer of cultures and people and love. I’m not doing school for society, I’m doing it for the people I plan to impact.

Which leads me to my final notion: It is so important that we stand for each other. Often in life, especially in college, we become competitive and relieved by someone else’s resignation. So much so that we socially reward resigned mindsets, but secretly care and are happy that the competition is lessoned. This is, again, ludicrous. Everyone wants to positively impact the world, no? If not the world, then something. It’s out natural drive to be important and make a difference somewhere. Is letting talented, passionate people leave that area really impacting it in a positive way? I wouldn’t think so. Next time someone tells you they haven’t been to class in a month, or done their laundry in two, don’t laugh it off. Ask them if they’re really O.K with that, it will make a huge difference.

 

 

 

 

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